my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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