Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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