He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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