in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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