So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
splinters make it hard to masturbate
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
