I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
