thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
