Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Randomize
