4 words: hood of his car
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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