I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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