This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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