so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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