just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
