gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
two words: eviction party
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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