i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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