hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
there's paper in my vomit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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