hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
