My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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