Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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