I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
