Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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