Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
