you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
