I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
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Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.