Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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