Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
