Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
