Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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