Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
