i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
