I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
