I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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