sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
