You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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