hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
