I am puke
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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