i jhust puked up my retainher.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
