that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
