my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
