Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
