If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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