Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
