you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
