Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
