I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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