fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize