I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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