Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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