when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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