Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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