Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
what is it with giant penises always finding me
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
