Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
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I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
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The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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