chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
