She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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