Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
this is an emotional support booty call
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
