I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
accomplished twins. life is a go
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
