dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
