u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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